**Siblings**

Just to even think of them, it bring tears to my eyes. I have been so blessed.
Living my entire life without them, I can't even find words to describe how much that hurts. To know what all we missed out on, to know what pain each and every one of us has suffered, to know that we always wished for one another.
I started searching, with very little information, when I was in my teens. Unable to deal with any government agencies due to my age made my search difficult. It was basically put on hold until I turned 19. I registered with Adoption Registries, both government and private, with no luck. I had so little info to run with, it was near impossible.

**October 2006**

The beginning of an emotional roller coaster.
I registered with an online Adoption Registry that is run out of Toronto. It seemed like such a long shot, but I had nothing to lose. I entered all of the information I had for my siblings, carefully looked it over for errors, clicked "Submit", and never thought anything more of it.
The following night, I received a call, from this very registry. This woman on the other end explained that she thought she had found my sister, but there was no concrete information. My heart filled with intense warmth, yet so much fear. I never slept a wink that night. The next day, she called again. This time, confirming that it in fact was my sister that she had found. I shed tears of joy, fear, and pain. This woman from the registry said that my sister was VERY timid of contact with me, due to our mother, and that she would only have contact with me via email.
I wrote...
It took me hours, to compile one simple little email, trying to sell myself to this person who shared my blood. People who have the idea that reunions are glorious, are totally wrong.
I clicked "Send", only to wait and wonder. I prepared myself for rejection.
All that night, I had the first glimpse into my sisters eyes. She was stunning, absolutely beautiful. I looked up her profile for the email address given. I sat in astonishment, in tears, this was her. I could only hope she'd let me in.
Finally, a response. I cried as I read each and every word written in that email. She was very upfront, blunt, yet sincere. I sensed her pain, her fear of being hurt.
We continued emails, eventually leading into my other sister who she had found in previous years before. We all chatted back and forth.
The first phone conversation. Oh God, her voice, finally. I couldn't believe it was her. So soft, gentle, her accent. We talked for what seemed to be forever.
We continued fairly regular contact through email, the odd phone conversation.
The following March, she called, and wanted to meet. My heart flipped upside down, inside out.

**It's Her..March 2007**

My boyfriend and I walked into the hotel, I was sick to my stomach, anxious, scared, so many emotions rolled into one. I knocked. She answered. "It's her". I can't explain what I felt that very moment, I just stared at her in awe. This was my big sister. the one in the crumpled up Graduation picture I clasped to for years. She was finally real. So petite, beautiful in every way, her eyes sparkled. It took everything I had to hold back the tears. Her gentle voice welcomed me to the room. She sat across the room from me, and for our entire visit, I just sat and stared at her. I said very little, I couldn't, speechless.
In the following year, I made contact with my older brother. Although there had been turmoil between us when i was younger, I wanted to contact him to find out about our older sister, as he was the only one that had contact with her over the years. We corresponded a few times, eventually it became to much, and I let go of contact.

**October 2008**

I received an email. One that would send my emotions skyrocketing once again.
A few months prior, I had placed an add on a classified site I regularly used. I placed one looking for my older brother, as well as my sister. I placed the ads in the last known residency I had for them.
The response to my ad was rather short, and simple. It was my sister who replied. She was checking her ads that she had online and for an odd reason, checked the missing persons section for the town she used to live in.

She instantly opened her heart. Within only a few days, my two other sisters, myself and the new found oldest sister all had contact. She fit the "Big Sister" role. We all started sharing poetry, stories of the past etc. And she was there to reassure us that it all was going to be okay. Although she herself had a brutal upbringing in the younger years, she was such a positive light on us all.
To look through her pictures, oh my. My heart melted. I had only met her once, briefly as a child. Her face was exactly how I remembered. Her smile, so genuine and sincere. Her eyes, so deep, soft, and kind. Beautiful. I couldn't believe I finally had contact with her. The first phone call, she was so soft spoken, gentle. Her voice was soothing, calming, I could feel the love through a telephone line.
It was her, that brought us all closer. The first "I love you" was exchanged between us all, something that is now in every message sent.
After connecting with her, reading her story in the many long emails, the pain she endured, it ripped my heart to shreds. Only to bring my own past demons to surface once again. We all fed off of one another. Looking to each other for strength to heal.

**January 2009**
My brother. We shared both the same mother and father. He, being 5 years older, was always a dream of mine. I wanted to find him so desperately. I wanted to see just how similar we were, if at all. My oldest sister that we had just connected with had contact with him, and led us all together. She gave me that piece of life I had been missing. My brother and I instantly hit it off. the first night we talked, we were up all night. I couldn't believe how much two strangers had in common, the conversation just flowed as if we'd known eachother our entire lives. I looked at his pictures, he out of all, hit close to home in my heart. My father is what I see when I look into his eyes. We stayed in contact via email, phone conversations, text messages etc.

**September 2009**
~A Childhood Dream Come True~
It was time for all of us to finally put a face to the the voice, to the words typed across out screens. It was time for all of us to feel the connection that had been robbed from us - Siblings.
We all agreed to meet in Halifax and share a suite for a few days. One sister flew in from Ontario, the other two came in from across province.
Three of us had met up at the bus station, this is where I met one sister for the first time. I couldn't believe it was her when she walked through the door - utter astonishment and shock! We exchanged hugs and quickly cabbed our way (by an interesting cab driver!) to our hotel where our oldest sister was already waiting.
When we walked into the hotel lobby, there she was - the big sister I remember meeting as a child, she stood there, kind of like a mother duck finding her lost ducklings - she was in awe. The tears began to flow. The first group hug.
We quickly wiped our faces, trying to act all "grown up" and continued to check in and go to our room.
It was like we instantly turned to the teenage sister mode. We broke out the hair straighteners, nail polish, make-up, hairspray, changing clothes, trying different necklaces. Within the first half hour the vanity looked like we had been there for six months! So girly! It was great!
I was often taken back with emotion. We'd be in the middle of doing something and it was like someone turned on the taps, the tears would flow. I still couldn't believe this was happening. I had waited for so long, I just wanted to capture the memory, freeze time, just hold this feeling forever. This is what it was like to have sisters.
We spent our weekend oogling over the MMA fighters that we were sooo blessed to share the hotel with that weekend. Spent time shopping, going out to eat, checking out the night life, chatting, giggling, getting our first *sister pictures*, being free of all the burdens of the past. We tried to experience many *Firsts* together, after all this trip was to make up for lost time, and we had lots to make up for!
Sadly, as everything else good in life, reality sets in and it must come to an end. After a long, over-emotional, yet healing gathering, we all parted back our separate ways and went home.

It's a personal experience I will never forget. Us four sisters put up in a single hotel room for 4 days. Surprisingly, it went remarkably well. We had our *moments* where our differences came into play, but I'm sure that's to be expected with anyone. It was a stepping stone to the next step in our relationships with one another. It was my childhood dream come true!