**Relationships**

I suppose after a lifetime of being violated and being taught I wasn't good enough, or deserving of a better life, I never expected too much from relationships. I tended to flop to the first person who treated me as what I thought was "special", only to be later let down again. I held next to no standards, had no opinions, I was like a marionette, theirs to pull the strings. I made no qualms about employment, cared less about their life goals, and never put a tolerance level on what I would accept.
I felt I had nothing to offer a relationship - so who was I to say "I'll accept this, but not this". I was fearful of rejection, so I molded my beliefs to theirs, whatever would make them love me. I felt desperate to feel wanted.

Doing so led me to nothing but relationships based on lies. These people fell in love with the person they wanted me to be, but not who I really was. I played the role of the wonderful housewife who looked after kids, cleaned the house, greeted with a kiss, and basically catered to every beck and call. I never knew what I wanted until a while into the relationship, and I realized they just weren't it. After putting up with their mood swings, illnesses, kids, substance abuse - doing everything in life they wanted, I felt so unfulfilled, empty and useless. Was I destined to be a little molly maid for life? Didn't I have any dreams?

After my last relationship plummeted face first into the ground, I decided no more. I was going to live life for me, the way I wanted and no one would stop me. I set standards for myself, as sad as it sounds, I sat with a notebook and wrote out all I was expecting, all I was looking for, all I was flexible on, and what I just wouldn't tolerate at all. I decided there was no bending these rules, I would stick to them, even if it meant no one would accept me.

I received a message from my best friends cousin. I do believe his words were "I thought you were extremely cute, and I loved your eyes".. Describing when we first met at his Aunts place.
He lived in Ontario, 2000 miles away from me. Most of his family is in my area, hence how we first met.
I was unsure of how to reply to the message. This man lived 2000 miles away. Why me? I shortly messaged him back and we began to talk. Normally at this point, I wasn't into networking online, and preferred to keep my online life personal, only sharing with close friends and family. There was something about him that I couldn't explain though, he was different.
I remember trying to keep my guard up with him, let him in enough to get to know me, but not too close to hurt. Even though there was nothing more expected than a friendship, this was my basic protocol, a defense mechanism I had learned over the years. The more we chatted, the longer our conversations became. There was something that drew me to him, like a magnetic force that I couldn't resist. As much as I wanted to pull away, I kept falling in deeper. He struck me as a witty *smartass* as I commonly called him, but he was also sensitive, understanding, and came across as an intelligent man. As our conversations grew longer, they grew deeper. He told me about his past relationship, I shared about mine. We then embarked on my weak spot, the part I have always struggled with. I asked him what he was looking for in a partner he replied - it was then my turn. Normally in past times I would just say what I thought they wanted to hear, or basically repeat the same as their expectations. I didn't cower. I blurted it all out - everything that was on the list, I dumped it in his lap. Of course with his personality, he quickly comments back with "Good luck on that one".. it was good for a laugh - but he also didn't reject any of my expectations. Time went on, and eventually we both just knew that we had to give *us* a try, even at the emotional cost of being a long distance relationship.

I have to say, our bond grew, and fast. He was like the other half of me. He took the time to understand me, for who I was, not some false imitation of what a good girlfriend should be. I opened up to him like I never have before. I laid it all out there in the open for him to see, I no longer wanted to have to hide. I figured he'd either accept me for all my "oddness" and "baggage" or walk away. He didn't walk.

November 2009 - We finally spent our first weekend together. He flew out, I casually surprised him at the airport - it was an indescribable feeling to finally be able to hug this person who had stolen my heart. Up until this point, I was one of those people who believed a long distance relationship could never work, under any circumstance, but that moment proved me wrong. I just knew - this is it.
We had an amazing weekend together, although it flew by, we shared every moment together. My children also met him, he was an INSTANT success. My children have never been ones to open up to just anyone. They've had strained relationships with every personal partner in my life, so this was shocking.
He returned back to his home and we resumed our e-mails, chats, phone calls etc.

The phone calls became longer, just as the chats did previously. They were no longer a 15 minute call to say "Hi", they were our way of being together. He called every lunch hour, and every day after work. We'd talk until we went to bed, or until one of us fell asleep. We had many nights where we saw the sun rise together, still gabbing away as if the conversation just started 10 minutes ago. We had many long, deep heartfelt conversations, and many where we nearly pissed ourselves laughing at the stupidest things. We became in tune with one another. It seemed that even though there were 2000 miles as a geographical barrier, he was always there for me as if he were here in person. When something was upsetting me, he somehow knew. Many nights he'd stay up all night just to talk until I fell asleep on a crummy night.

During my emotional times in the winter, many people would question what was wrong with me, why was I so depressed etc. He never questioned me, it was like he was in my mind and understood what I was going through. He was just there, always. I don't think we ever touched into an overly deep conversation about my abuse, but he did know that I had gone through it during my childhood, and understood that I still struggle emotionally with it. It was nice to have someone who didn't say "get over it". Instead he comforted me and talked me through the hard times.

March 2010 he came out for another visit and this time spent March break with us. This visit, unlike the last, was focused on the family aspect of things. The kids had the week off, so we made it more of a "family week". I hadn't seen one of my sisters in a while, and I really wanted her to meet him. Not necessarily for her approval, it was just important to me. We spent a couple of days at her place, enjoyed some good old family time, then headed back on the 4/5 hour drive. The rest of the days were spent playing with the kids, visiting, and just getting a sense of what it was like to be in a relationship together. Once again, this visit only reinforced what I already knew - Just how much I loved him.

We had another visit in June 2010 - It was my first trip back home in 8 years. A much needed one, but one that brought about a lot of emotion. There was emotion in having been graced with a couple little cuties, my great nieces, there was emotion in seeing one of my bestest old buddies, and a few family member. Along with the happy emotion, there was also an aching to do something else.
I had recently found out that my mother and stepfather had finally separated - this was my chance to be my own voice. A new step in my healing process. I came up with the idea that i was going to confront my abuser once and for all. I had a folder with all of my old poetry, hate notes, stories and everything else I had written either during my abuse, or in the aftermath afterward. I wanted to hand my abuser this and return the pain he had given me, it was time to let go.
I thought for sure my new found flame would think I had snapped inside, think I was crazy or something - I should have never doubted him. He offered to take me there, he offered to be a shoulder to lean on - my rock - he understood, 100%.
Unfortunately, I never did do it. I had plans on visiting other people in the same city, but it didn't work out. So I didn't see the sense in driving all the way there for a trip based on such negativity.
Irregardless, that instance really showed me just how lucky I am.

Leaving from that visit was enough to rip my heart to shreds. Each goodbye was getting harder and harder, this one being almost unbearable. We resumed our usual phone calls and such, hoping soon enough this distance would be gone.

The province I live in isn't exactly job seeker friendly. The jobs are scarce, few and far in between. For him to find a job here was like trying to pull teeth. Finally - he took a leap of faith, moved out here, and found a job shortly after!

**Transition**
I was elated that he was finally coming here. Our distance finally over.
The warmth and joy I feel when he's around, I can't begin to explain. My kids, they adjusted as if he had been here for 10 years. To finally feel the everyday happiness that there is intended to be is just simply amazing.

This relationship has opened me up like never before. He believes in me in everything I do. He never badgers me for my mistakes. He never grows impatient with me during my hard times. He's a support I never thought I'd have. If I said "Tomorrow I'm going to capture the stars and bring them home in a jar", he may crack a joke, but still say "I believe in you"..

I guess the point of this blog post is not just to boast about my priceless find *lol*.. But to tell all of those who think they're worthless - you're NOT. If you think you deserve nothing special - you DO.
Don't sell yourself short based on what you've been through - because as damaged as I am, I have found the most supportive, loving and understanding person who loves me, simply for just that, *Me* - faults and all.
I couldn't imagine my world without him.