**Emotions**

It's been a long hard battle dealing with a lifetime of emotions that even I don't understand sometimes. Sometimes I cry, with no reason for sadness. Sometimes I lash out in anger, yet have no reason to be angered. Many times I feel alone, yet I have many people around. I reached the deepest depression of my life when really - according to textbook, I should have been happy.
I made it away from a relationship that was entirely unhealthy in every form. I regained my independence, had my own place, own income - answer to no one. I had freedom to come and go as I please without requesting permission. If I wanted to go out Saturday night for a drink with the girls, I could. Why was I so miserable? Why now?
Here is my synopsis.
All of my life, I have always put my emotions on the back burner. When I was a child, I wasn't permitted to *feel*. I was to be cast in stone, raw, nothing. I was intended to be a mere existence, nothing more, nothing less. In the younger years when I did show emotion I was scolded. When children are constantly badgered and scolded, they learn coping mechanisms to deal with their surroundings. Many of us choose to tune things out such as memory and emotion. I chose emotion.
As a teenager, I never allowed myself to express these feelings because I wanted to fit in. Lets face it - a girl crying about her father touching her and her mother beating her isn't going to be a part of the "in crew". I progressed quickly in life, quickly attaching myself to adult relationships rather than living life as I should have, a teenager.
By 16 I had my own child to look after, I had no time to feel pity for myself.
Since the age of 15, I always had myself wrapped up around someone elses fingers, trying to conform to their standards, who they wanted and expected me to be. I showed the front of a strong, emotionally stable person - I had to hold up the reputation.
Being in controlling relationships, I would never allow myself to open up to that level. When I felt the heat re-surfacing, I quickly stomped on the flame and let it smolder.

Now, I was on my own. No longer the *people pleaser*. I was now granted permission to feel how I wanted and when I wanted. It was a sense of freedom.
I can't recall what the initial trigger was that sent me spiraling out of control, if there even was one. It seemed like one day life was fantastic, then the next - BAM! There it was - Depression.
I started to lean towards alcohol to loosen up and have fun shortly after I moved in. I enjoyed going out, dancing, laughing - feeling ALIVE - young and free spirited. It wasn't too long after my fun escapade began that it came to a quick halt. I remember a few people critiquing the fact that I was spending more time in the night life than I should have, so I stopped. No more fun, no more friends - just life and a bottle of beer at home. My couple of beer at night turned into a case and my smile turned into tears. Wallowing away many nights, secretly hanging my head in shame - wondering what the hell I was doing with my life and why I felt so miserable.
The sleepless nights began, staying up days at a time wandering around like a useless zombie. Trying to balance the kids, college and just getting around every day with motivation was a challenge in itself. Many days I just sat. I remained in one spot for hours, contemplating what was wrong with me.
After a couple of months, I joined a group on Facebook for survivors of child sexual abuse. I secretly lurked in the background, reading what others had to say, their emotions, opinions and solutions. I did this for some time, becoming more emotionally distraught, I finally snapped. It was this one particular night that it finally clued in to me why all these emotions were suddenly present. I was finally allowed to deal with my past.

I started writing this blog in January 2010, with my first main entry "Walk With Me". It is the basic story of my childhood leading up to when I met the father of my kids. Something happened. I felt it... Release.

For all the years I've tried to explain to people about my history, it has always been in such vague detail. Basically just enough outline to say "I was abused".. but this blog, it allowed me to step beyond that boundary. I could write what I wanted, as graphic as I wanted, and no one would curl their nose and saw "Ewww".
When we explain to people that we were abused, we say something along the lines of "my stepfather molested me".. We don't say "he raped me every night and molested me with my favorite teddy bear". The story line is there - but not the painful parts. For once, I could explain to someone all the nitty gritty details, yet have no fear of rejection.
I poured my heart out in the first part of this blog. I spent many hours awake, writing, reading over and over. For each paragraph written in that first post, I had a meltdown. I sobbed over my keyboard on some parts, yet typed furiously with anger on others. Relief.. I was finally allowed to feel it all.

Along the way, I started actively participating in a few online discussions revolving around the issue. Being able to relate to others in an indescribable feeling. Understanding, belonging. Something I have never felt.
Over the course of the year, I have finally opened up to new found friends from those groups, ones that truly understand where I come from, how I feel and are always there to talk to whether it be a rainy day, or one full of sunshine.

Finally letting myself *feel* has been a huge step in the healing process. I'm in a totally different spot now than I was when I started this blog 10 months ago.
When I have angry days, I allow myself to be pissed off at the world, why shouldn't I be? When I have sad/emotional days, I allow myself time to cry, time to grieve for all that I lost, all I endured, and all I'm scarred with.

It's ok to be angry. I'm no longer afraid of what it will do to me. I use it constructively. It's ok to be sad, I'm no longer afraid to cry, even when others see it as pointless. The biggest thing I could stress to anyone who is trying to heal - *FEEL* - allow it, accept it, let your emotions flow. Eventually, you will learn how to use them to your benefit and perhaps to help others.